what would I see if I looked into God's eyes?

alone with him, I stand before him. A pain in my heart tells me I shouldn't be here, yet I know that is not the truth. There is an aura around him, it is violently strong and I am afraid.

Meeting his eyes finally, I am surprised at what I see. I see something play out in my mind, and a overwhelming feleing of love.

I see inside the chambers, and a figure slips through the curtains, attempting as hard as he can to be stealthy. Rather than advancing to the front of the chambers, the figure slips over to the side, taking home in the shadows. I painfullly relise that I am that figure, to ashamed and too scared to go further. Yet I feel it deep within that God would look at me, run towards me and greet me in a strong embrace. Immediately as I settle, He looks my direction and does just that. I'm paralysed, my arms are pinned to my sides not only by his arms, but by the sheer shock that he is doing this.

I know I'm a child of God, I simply forgot how powerful taht statement is.

If I were to look into the eyes of God, what would I see?

I would see a power, fearful in its size, almost violent, yet controlled and placid.

I would see love.

I would see, in the eyes of God, a special place in his heart all my own, along side many others that he holds dear to him.

He sees my shadows, he sees my scars,

even more terrifying, he sees the darkest places in my mind,

and still, he loves me more than I could ever imagine.

______

I was originally going to post this so I oculd just see it, but these thoughts take hold of me again and grow, and I think everyone should ask themselves that question; what would you see, if you looked God in the eyes?

what do you think of me?

I was walking out of Wenesday night prayer group tonight (first time going, very interesting despite the awkwardness) and this really neat thought just up and popped into my head. 3 is a magic number.

In the Hindu Epic, The Bhagavagita (pardon spelling) they speak of all things being made up of 3: material, mental, spiritual.

In conversations I've had over the past few days, its had this odd theme going through them taht there are three voices that we hear inside ourselves: us, God, and a voice that speaks evils into me. Similarly, Rebecca mentioned in her prayers that there should be a love triangle in every relationship: man, wife, and God.

I just thought this was neat.

Part of me wants to be bold and say that all religions will show their gaps, and in those they will be lead to Christ... I'm not sure if I can believe that... but I had to get it out of me.

One of the suggested tags for this blog was "i hear voices"... Here's hoping at least one of them is someone thats better than me and says what this world is really for.

Funny how things work.

After talking with someone I trust yesturday I started really questioning myself and what makes me do the things I do, what drives me, what feeds me... and I found that a lot of those things are not what I want them to be. I found that a lot of the time, I spin my wheels and get no where because I'm to afraid that beyond there will be a place where I'll be exposed as a fake, as someone who's blindly wandering because of a gut feeling.

I suppose its because I've had so many things freely given to me- not blessed, but thrown at me to get me distracted. I suppose thats another reason why I'm afraid to take steps.

I want to change, the way I am isn't going to work for what I feel I'm for. I'm too focussed on whats wrong with me lately, and the people I surrounded myself with are leaving. many whom I trusted with my all have left. I don't blame them really.

I got it wrapped in my head that because I hate who I am so much that people must be doing the same, and to "bring myself comfort" I tell myself that its what God wants, that wether I'm admired or hated its what he wants. It sounds like I blame him, but blame isn't the word you put aside someone you trust, it just doens't flow.

with the way things are going, it feels that once I leave Thunder Bay, there will be little holding me here, because I was too afraid to do anything, and I feel paralysed to do anything.

whatever. maybe I'll delete this later when I finally get some sense knocked into me.

night looks nice out right now, think I'll go for a walk.